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June17
13 October 2013 @ 09:39 pm
I am getting so much better at doing things that scare me. I played my violin with JT yesterday and not only did I not throw up, it felt really good and I had a lot of fun. It felt so good to do something that feels natural and to get some release through it. It sometimes scares me to play violin because I want to be good at it and I hate when I'm not, but it also feels natural and like it's an extension of my body. It feels so good to play.

So...the other thing I've been working on is having conversations about things that bother me. It took me a while to have those conversations with Layla, and it makes sense that it should take me a while to get comfortable having those conversations with Tanya or Emily. It doubly makes sense that it should take time for me to feel comfortable talking with JT about things that really bother or scare me. So, I'm really happy that I'm finally feeling comfortable having those conversations with JT. It freaks me out so much when we have a disagreement, because I want so bad for our relationship to work. I really, really love him. For real. I know it wouldn't be the end of the world if we broke up, but I want to work harder to work through things that bother me, because those things are never going to go away. I'm always going to get annoyed at something. Layla is probably my closest friend right now, and there are things she does that drive me crazy. Like when she's indecisive, or when she wants to stay in and i want to go out, or when she complains about something that I don't think is a big deal. It just doesn't bother me as much because I'm not dating her. I choose to have her in my life, like I would for someone I'm dating, but I don't see her everyday. I don't have a sexual relationship with her, and she isn't the same extension of myself that JT is. The stakes are somehow much higher for someone I'm dating, and I'm not sure why. I guess because I want to make sure everything is perfect before I commit to spending the rest of my life with them. I so, so want things to work out for us but I know I have to let go of what MAY happen and pay attention to what DOES happen and what makes me happy and why I am so happy when I'm with him and why I want to keep dating him. I worry about so many things and I feel like a romantic relationship is worth worrying more about because there's more at stake, but really, there isn't any more at stake than there is with a friendship. I open myself up to Layla, to Emily, to Martha, to Tanya, to Stephanie and I've opened myself up to Sean, Hussain, Aaron and it's inevitable that they could break my heart, or we could have a fight and fall out of friendship, but that doesn't worry me. I see it as inevitable if that were to happen and so what's the point of worrying. The same thing should apply to romantic relationships. It really should. I need to stop worrying and just pay attention to what's real. What makes me happy, what makes me feel loved, and what I love about JT, just like I focus on loving and supporting my friends. OF COURSE I love and support JT but I'm trying to figure out why the small things bother me so much more with people I date than the people I am friends with. I guess because you as a girlfriend and you as a boyfriend are obligated to always be with each other. Friends have other lives that may not always involve you. Boyfriends and girlfriends get to be with each other always. And that....I think is what's problematic. I love hanging out with JT so much but I need to learn to be okay with being by myself and just trusting that he loves me and supports me and wants to be my boyfriend. I know it's true and I believe it. I just have to keep remembering that so I stop worrying about every scenario that will most likely never come true. I don't do that with my friends and I want to stop doing it with boyfriends.

Anyway. I'm feeling really, really good about everything right now. Work is kind of frustrating, but everything else is going really well. I'd love to have more time off and to work on things not from the office, but that's inevitable right now. I need to focus on saving some money and doing things that make me happy, like playing music, doing yoga, going out with JT, listening to music, seeing shows, seeing plays, doing artistic things, cooking, working on causes I believe in... and not worrying so much about everything else. It'll come together. It always does. I guess I want JT to immediately know my quirks and accept them and that takes time. I'm not even sure what all my quirks are....and I guess I don't need to focus on them. Blah. I like myself and I think I love myself (RuPaul shout out) the way I am. No need to try to make myself something I'm not, though I can always be a better friend and a better girlfriend. Man, I just watched this video with David Sedaris talking about his sister Tiffany committing suicide, and it was so heavy. We have such a short amount of time with everyone on this planet and I guess I want to make the most of it. Be supportive of people's hopes and dreams and try not to be a jerk myself. I think I do a good job of that, but it's important to keep in mind. Ah, clarity.
 
 
Current Location: Austin
Current Mood: goodgood
Current Music: crickets outside
 
 
 
June17
27 May 2013 @ 03:43 pm
JT asked if I wanted to live with him starting this summer. I'm a little conflicted because I want to make sure everything will go well. I'm not particularly worried about us getting along, but I am somewhat worried about me freaking out or something. I want to make sure we get along very well before making a commitment. It's just hard for me to make up my mind, because a year is a long time and I think I'd be ready in another six months. I guess I could get a shorter term lease...hm...that's a good idea, actually. Or I could always sublet. Also a good idea. I think I'm going to go with that. Because I don't want to lose him over this, but I want some more time to make sure I'm okay with everything. I don't want us to get sick of each other. Okay. Going with the short term lease idea.
 
 
 
June17
03 December 2012 @ 11:59 am
I think I've been spending a lot of time lately being what other people want me to be. Mostly that is a good thing, because I like being a good friend, but sometimes it makes me feel stuck. I think a large part of growing up is learning to do things you don't want or like to do, which for me involves work and watching football. That said, I need to be careful to think about what I want to do and what interests me rather than always going along with other people's plans. Really I don't think this is a big problem, it's just something to keep in mind. What interests me?
 
 
 
June17
03 December 2012 @ 11:16 am
J.T. is amazing. I feel really comfortable with him and he continues to surprise me in good ways. It has been a very long time since I've felt this comfortable in a relationship and I really want it to continue to go well. I can't believe I let myself go so long in relationships that made me feel like crap. Well, lesson learned. J.T. is so smart, so nice, and super passionate. It makes me want to get out of this haze I'd been in and actually go play violin again, start writing for real again, and start going on adventures again. It's freaking me out how much I'd let myself become boring. I don't actually think I was boring, but I definitely had a hard time getting excited about my hobbies. I have a lot of respect for J.T. and I think he has the same for me. I don't mean to say that I didn't respect Justin or Patrick, but I have a lot to learn from J.T. and that makes everything more interesting.

It has been......geez. I have not dated someone I had first been friends with since 2008. That's four years of dating near-strangers. I know I was friends with John and dating him did not go so well, but I've always really respected J.T. as a friend. I hope that makes a difference.

I always want life to be safe, but maybe it would be less interesting if it were. I guess there's nothing else to do but put myself out on a line. It's like that Eleanor Roosevelt quote:

"Do not stop thinking of life as an adventure. You have no security unless you can live bravely, excitingly, imaginatively; unless you can choose a challenge instead of competence."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

I always want challenges to be easy, but hopefully the reward is higher when they're not.
 
 
Current Mood: happyhappy
 
 
 
June17
13 October 2012 @ 08:37 pm
Life kind of blows right now. That's all I can say. I can feel the "personal growth" happening and it hurts like a bitch.
 
 
 
June17
30 August 2012 @ 12:33 am
Man, I really, really missed having guy friends to talk to. I had an amazing time with Jonathan and Harry at Ego's and it felt awesome screaming Volcano Girls. I freaking love Veruca Salt.
 
 
Current Mood: happyhappy
 
 
 
June17
30 June 2012 @ 08:14 pm
I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. That's about it. I kind of want to crawl into a cave and stay there for a while. I don't know why. I try. to make relationships work, or why I feel the compulsion to share every feeling I have, because it doesn't ever make sense or work out and I feel like I have learned nothing in the 12 or 13 years I've been dating. In fact, I feel I've been getting worse at dating. I don't know what I'm doing and that makes me angry. It makes me angry that I feel like the person who's dating me doesn't want to date me even though...if they didn't want to date me...we would break up. I just feel like I never know what I'm doing and I want it to stop.

I don't care if this is because I feel bad because of my breakup with John or if I think i'm bad at relationships because of my parents' divorce or because of Justin or Aaron or whoever. I do not care WHY I feel this way, I just want to feel normal and act normal and know what the fuck I am doing. And have a reason for it. Jesus Christ I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know how to make it better. FUCK IT. God, I know there will be another guy in my future but I don't want another guy. I want to stop doing this, I want to have some security for once and the fact that I don't is driving me fucking mad. I want to go running but I'm afraid I'm going to go crying across the neighborhood. fdjaklfdalfdjklsa.
 
 
 
June17
22 April 2012 @ 01:28 pm
I'm feeling pretty damn happy today. I don't have a job or plans for the summer, but I'm feeling excellent about work and I have some awesome, supportive friends. Phew. :)
 
 
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: matt costa
 
 
 
June17
12 December 2011 @ 11:40 pm
So........ Patrick went back to Wisconsin this morning for the winter break. Last night he was getting ready for the trip and had to do laundry and stuff. I thought he'd already finished all that by the time I got to his house last night, but he hadn't, and asked if I'd help with his laundry. For some reason, this sent me back to this summer when Justin and I did our laundry together, and how I accidentally got a stain on his good shirts when I was drying them, and how stressful it was, for some reason, to find time to do laundry and figure out who would do it. I guess Patrick's laundromat made me think even more of Brooklyn and living with Justin, and that just made me snap.

Actually, before Patrick asked if I could help with his laundry, I talked to him about my roommate Sandy, who was having a hard time deciding whether or not to stay together with her ex-boyfriend, who wanted her back. She was worried that because she was getting older she wouldn't be able to find someone perfect for her. I told her not to worry, that there's no ticking bomb that will go off if she doesn't find someone. I was thinking that if she wanted kids, she could have kids, but she didn't need to settle with someone just because of that. She definitely shouldn't settle if the guy is verbally abusive and makes her uncomfortable, which her ex-boyfriend does.

In any case, I told Patrick about all this, and he made a joke (or not?) about how she really is running out of time. She's 27, I'm 26, Patrick is 28. Patrick is hung up on his ex-girlfriend who he feels he should have married and who he cheated on.

For some reason, the combination of his joke plus asking me to help with laundry made me start laughing and hyperventilating. I know that I get anxious about things sometimes, but I didn't expect for this to bother me... Patrick's going on a trip. People going on trips have to do laundry. He just needed help carrying the laundry to the laundromat.

I guess I felt panicked because.... I really don't know why. If I had to guess, I may have felt like I messed up dating Justin or that I should have been more careful with the laundry this summer, or, oh my god, I AM getting older. These are all worries that I intellectually know are not a big deal.

Maybe I panicked because I was worried that Patrick saw me as marriage material. I don't know. In any case, it didn't feel good, and I was kind of embarrassed that I felt panicked about laundry.

I sometimes feel like Patrick is too involved with himself or not genuine enough to date. But I'm also not sure where that feeling comes from.

Oy. So, long story short, I thought I was over Justin, but I'm obviously not. Having a long conversation with Patrick about his ex-girlfriend and how he feels he fucked up by not marrying her didn't help. But he'll be gone for two plus weeks, so that should give me time to get my life back into perspective. This relationship doesn't have to be serious, but I am so. sick. of "not serious" relationships. Every relationship I've had in the past six years wasn't supposed to be serious. I'm old enough now that I want some seriousness. I realize that this conflicts with my panic about laundry. and marriage.

I feel confused about all this because before I started dating him, I thought Patrick was great, and a nice guy, and definitely genuine. I'm going to chalk most of these feelings up to stress from finals. Also, weirdness from Sandy breaking up with her boyfriend, and Patrick still missing his ex-gf.
 
 
Current Mood: confusedconfused
 
 
 
June17
10 November 2011 @ 08:26 pm
Actually in general I am feeling much better than I was a month ago, but this week I had to pick up a cat that had been hit by a car (not by me) off the road because I didn't want it to be run over again and ...it was still warm when I picked it up. It was dark out and I didn't want to see how badly it had been hit other than that its head was dented and bloody...I moved it to the curb and didn't think it was breathing, but maybe it could have lived? I really don't know. I thought I was doing a good thing by moving it off the road but now I'm wondering if I should have brought it to a vet. Erg. Why didn't the asshole who hit the cat bring it to a vet? Or not hit the poor thing. I was a little freaked out that it felt like a live cat...I expected it to be cold and have rigor mortis. Ugh, I can't believe I'm writing about this.

It was gone this morning. Maybe its owner found it, or maybe it woke up and walked off. I hope the latter happened.

I've been going to counseling and doing breathing exercises and exercising as much as possible which has really helped me feel better but I'm still so incredibly angry that Justin won't talk to me and so angry that I don't know or want to find anyone I'd like to go out with in Austin. There are a few dudes at LBJ who are nice but I don't want to hurt them by going out with them and then not wanting to be in a relationship. I'm just feeling seriously fucked up after Justin and I hate that he fucked me up this badly, especially because he doesn't appear to be hurt.

I'm glad Lucy took the TV with her when she moved out, because I don't think all that TV watching was productive for my work or for my mental state. Maybe it was, though. I prefer the radio in any case.

I'd just like to rewind time and go back to work at Simon's, work another year making drinks and calm myself down before pushing play on my life again. Mostly I want to reclaim everything I liked about myself and not have to think about how it relates to Justin.

I'm thankful for amazing friends and amazing LBJ people, but I definitely need a break from everything and maybe everybody.
 
 
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
 
 
 
June17
06 November 2011 @ 07:31 pm
Just realized the ten year anniversary of this journal was in July. Happy anniversary, journal!
 
 
Current Mood: workingworking
 
 
 
June17
26 October 2011 @ 09:11 pm
Work  
Just realized that I forgot to alphabetize the staff's names on that pdf I put together. Also didn't capitalize the word "about." Argh. Remember for next time!
 
 
Current Mood: awaketacos
 
 
 
June17
09 October 2011 @ 11:02 am
I'm over trying to be different or trying to prove myself as cool. I know I decide every couple of years or so to just "be me," but being me means different things over time. This time I want to be smart, at least to not dumb myself down, and I want to focus on being a good person, but I don't have to prove to anyone that I'm a good person or a cool person or a smart person. I'm just going to be myself and if people like it, cool, if they don't, then I hope we can still get along. Anyway. I think this is a sign of growth, even if I don't feel like growing.

I still have serious problems with being an open book when I think someone is full of it... Accepting other people for who they are and where they are is part of this too.

It is REALLY HARD to express how I'm feeling through writing. I can never stop analyzing my word choice. I'm trying equally hard not to care about what other people may think about my writing or what I feel like writing about.
 
 
Current Mood: drunkhungover
Current Music: Short Stories on NPR
 
 
 
June17
24 January 2011 @ 10:24 am
Ever since I came with Lucy to look at apartments last year, everything in Austin has seemed "wrong" and is continuing to feel wrong. I can't get settled at LBJ, my advisor and research project supervisor died, and everything with Justin is weird, cryptic and unsettling. I can't get comfortable living with Lucy. I really wish this program would end and I could get out of here. Reading Haruki Murakami books is not helping this feeling.
 
 
Current Mood: anxiousunsettled.
 
 
 
June17
15 November 2010 @ 02:10 am
I've been having a lot of ups and downs in mood lately. I think it's because of the constant uncertainty of grad school and the fact that I'm still getting used to being in Austin and away from Boston people and Justin. It's been almost 5 weeks since I last saw my boyfriend, and it's wearing on me. I can't really remember what he's like not on the phone or peering into a webcam, and that freaks me out.

But I do like the people in my grad program and even though I'm not thrilled with my classes, I have learned things and thank goodness the semester is almost finished. I especially enjoyed getting to know my TA, Brian, in intro to empirical methods - he's a Catholic priest, and a pretty nice one at that. He went out for beer and pizza with our class tonight for the third time, and he plays viola, so he's thinking of organizing a chamber group. Who knows if that will materialize, but we'll see.

I'm continuing in my perpetual journey to keep in touch with people I've gotten to know across the country, and it's a little stressful. I get to know people and then I miss them a lot when I can't hang out with them anymore because I've moved or they've moved and it bothers me when years go by and we haven't hung out. Anyway, I'd like as much as possible to avoid that happening in the future, or find a new way to deal with it. I know I can't stop people from moving, but I'd like to visit more often or stay settled in some place for a while... I just don't know where.

The other thing stressing me out is Justin is tired of Boston again and wants to move somewhere to work on his music career. This has a long back story, but I don't have time to write it out. It mostly has to do with Colin moving to Taiwan and breaking up Justin's band. In any case, Justin's thinking about moving to Austin which is forcing me to consider if I want to move back to Boston after graduation (which I do, right now), or stay in Austin or move somewhere like NYC. I do not know.
 
 
Current Mood: tiredtired
 
 
 
June17
12 November 2010 @ 01:03 am
I feel like this journal is a lot less useful after the advent of Facebook, Twitter, "professional" blogging, and the fact that few of my friends update more than once every two years. That's okay, but lj seems redundant, and that makes me sad for the 2000s.
 
 
Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
 
 
 
June17
28 September 2010 @ 06:03 pm
One shooting today in Austin, four shot in Dorchester/Mattapan. It's so depressing. On the one hand it was depressing to hear that a 19 year old student shot himself after threatening others at UT...on the other hand this happens much more often in a lot of other communities, including Dorchester. I guess I'm just appreciative that shootings are so uncommon in Austin.
 
 
 
June17
01 September 2010 @ 10:17 pm
Grad school is about as much work as I thought it would be. Tons of reading. I did not anticipate the emphasis on calculus, though. It's been 7 years since I last took calculus (or really, any math outside of an econ class) so this is not fun for me.

To add insult to injury, I had to drop the branding for nonprofits class I was excited about in favor of this empirical methods class, which involves lots of calc. I didn't know I had to take this class because our program's advisor told us during orientation that he didn't want to answer our questions about classes unless they were necessary and personal. Wasn't such a fan of that policy.

Really, though, it's going okay. Lucy and I have moved all our things into our rooms, the bathrooms and the kitchen, but the living room is empty except for a bunch of cardboard boxes, a bike, a St. Germain summer cocktail set and an enormous TV. We're masquerading as college boys, except for the cocktail set.

Hopefully I can read a whole lot over the next five days so I can have some free time for Justin's visit! We're going shopping on Friday to get a couch and food. Right now we just have a full spice cabinet, two bottles of Tabasco, two six packs of beer, cereal, and Thai soup packets...
 
 
Current Mood: rushedrushed
 
 
 
June17
11 June 2010 @ 08:48 pm
I'm so old fashioned...I didn't feel comfortable that LJ moved the tabs around on the front page so I haven't been posting much lately. I get the same way about my coworkers wanting to change our blog entry format to Rich Text because I've gotten so used to using Plain Text or HTML. They pointed out that even though it's faster for me to use code it isn't faster for other people. I pointed out that it was still faster for me to use code...and they should get faster.

I've been grumpy lately. Wednesday I worked a 16 hour workday. I think these things are related.

I've been reading the journal of a Simon's customer, and it's making me miss all the crazy customers at Simon's. Not that Katie is one of them...I just miss talking with crazy writer stroke guy about Angela Lansbury (did you know that he knows her??? because he does. and likes telling you he does.). I get plenty of social interaction with random people at my job but I don't get the same satisfaction out of it because instead of giving them their daily cup of joe I usually can't help them and instead get to hear about how much their day sucks, or how much their feet hurt, or hear them complain about how someone won't let them do something they want to do in the building. Ughhh. It's a little taxing at times.

I have 90 hours to finish with AmeriCorps and then I'm "done". Finishing my hours means that I get an education award but I still have to finish my "term of service" which means that I won't be actually done for a while.

Lots of stuff has happened recently that I haven't written about. Justin's bandmate Colin is going with his somewhat controlling girlfriend to teach English in either Taiwan or Saudi Arabia, which, along with other reasons, means that Technoir MA is pretty much no more. For reference: http://www.newmusictalk.com/blog/2010/04/21/dear-street-carnage-new-technoir-music-video/ Justin's starting a new solo project which sounds pretty damn good, actually. He's recording in a week or two I think?

I'm moving to Austin in August to go to the LBJ School at UT. I went with Lucy last week to find an apartment - it's pretty sweet and very near my school and her school (law). Lucy is Justin's friend from high school who lives literally around the corner from my house.

Anyway...I just wanted to write something down because it's been a while. My life has been taken over completely by www.mydorchester.org. Everything on there is the creation of myself and my coworker Scot. Pretty sweet. Yeah. Naptime!
 
 
Current Mood: artisticartistic
Current Music: Phoenix (commercial)
 
 
 
June17
31 January 2010 @ 01:23 pm
This is my 2000th journal entry. Ridiculous! Lately instead of posting to livejournal I've been venting on facebook, but... it's still nice to have a journal.
 
 
Current Mood: surprisedsurprised
 
 
 
June17
03 November 2009 @ 08:21 pm
was freaking out about grad school, feeling manic. drank some theraflu, feel completely better now. oh, drugs.
 
 
 
June17
02 November 2009 @ 01:07 pm
This morning I felt sick but went to work anyway. I was a couple stops down on the train when I started getting really hot, my hands felt warm (they're ALWAYS cold), and I felt like I was going to fall over. I had this horrible compulsion to fall down and I felt like someone was shining a spotlight on me even though my eyes were closed. All I could see was bright lights, even though I was standing in a train car packed with people. When I got off the train I realized that I was sweating profusely even though it was cold in the station. I thought bright lights and sweating were part of having a fever, but Google seems to think that it's an indication that I was fighting fainting, or I was about to have a seizure. I think the latter is not likely, but it's a good thing I got off that train before I fainted. I really thought I was going to vomit or fall over when we were stuck in between stations. The driver came on the intercom to tell us it'd be a few minutes before we'd arrive at MIT, but I really thought about forcing the doors of the train open so I could get out. I've only ever fainted once, and I'd like to keep it that way. I felt so warm outside when I left my home station, even though it was 50 degrees, and stumbled home without a sweater or coat. Ughhh. Hopefully I get better by tomorrow. It's strange to feel lightheaded and headachy when I walk around because lying down I feel fine.
 
 
Current Mood: nauseatednauseated
 
 
 
June17
01 November 2009 @ 03:20 pm
I'm feeling pretty awful right now... I've taken Theraflu and (against the directions) Dayquil also and I'm not feeling that much better. My head still throbs when I get out of bed despite the double dose of acetaminophen. I worked 56 hours from last Saturday to today and I'm really feeling the consequences. At some point I'll get out of bed because I've been out of laundry for two weeks now.

I just thought I should write my thoughts on the past week. I've had the opportunity to be with a lot of kids this week. I enjoyed supervising elementary school kids much more than I thought I would, and after supervising teenagers, I finally understand how my parents acted with me. It's hard to toe the line between being happy that teenagers are talking with you and being worried that maybe you shouldn't let them joke that the apple cider is "going down smooth" or let them make "inappropriate" comments. I think I've decided that they're old enough to make decisions and I should help them make good ones but I shouldn't be overbearing or constantly shocked at things that come out of their mouths. Most of the time I think they're trying to impress slash mess with me.

On Thursday I supervised the moon bounce at the B-3 police station's Halloween Party in Dorchester for five hours. I've never babysat kids I wasn't related to, so I thought I'd have a really hard time keeping the kids at the moon bounce under control. Not true. Maybe it was the fact that the moon bounce was at a police station, but all the kids were incredibly well-behaved, even without their parents' supervision. They got in line when I told them to, they got out of the moon bounce when I told them to, and they said "I'm sorry" when they hit each other and made each other cry. Monitoring kids isn't unlike food service...you want to keep unruly kids in line but also make it clear that you're listening to them and you have their best interest in mind. I was really startled that all the kids paid attention to what I said, and I now understand how people can act like little kids don't have feelings. Anyway, the moon bounce went much better than I thought it would and I kind of enjoyed looking after the kids. It's nice to feel like somebody's looking up to you, even if they're tugging on your pant legs for five hours.

Yesterday was teenager supervision...there was a lot less crying than at the moon bounce and a lot less yelling, and overall it went really well. I just still can't get over the fact that kids listen to me as an adult. I'm still used to the situation at Simon's where cranky adults get in a tiff over anything you say the wrong way. Three teenage girls got lost last night and we went to pick them up...one of the girls asked Laura and I if we "were mad at them" in the saddest (kind of manipulative) voice. We were kind of surprised and said, no, of course we're not mad, we were just worrying that we wouldn't find you.

I haven't ever had anyone ask me if I was mad in that tone of voice...it made me feel like I was a parent and freaked me out a little. I guess to fifteen year olds I am kind of parent-ish.

Anyway, I'm hoping I feel better, and also hoping that I don't have anything outside of work to do this week so I can get some rest.
 
 
Current Mood: soreheadachy
 
 
 
June17
11 October 2009 @ 07:40 pm
wondering if i should get a myspace...Twitter was kinda a waste of time, but myspace would let me keep up with bands. hmmmmmmmmm.
 
 
 
June17
20 September 2009 @ 06:45 pm
I spent about 70 dollars over the last few days on coffee equipment (not including the price of the coffee itself, since I had some left over from Simon's), and it's nice to know that all that spending pays off. I just tried my first cup of homemade pour-over coffee, and it tastes amazing. By amazing, I mean I can smell burnt sugar in the aroma and the coffee tastes clean and sweet. That's pretty cool, considering that the coffee I used was two months old (shhhh) and the grind wasn't right on the coffee. You can tell if your coffee is at the right grind by how quickly the water runs through the coffee. The same theory applies to espresso-making too, but the difference is that you can see it with your own eyes instead of having to rely on a timer, like you have to when using an espresso machine. My water ran through a little too quickly, so I know I need a finer grind so the coffee will stick together more. My grinder has burrs, but I think it only has one setting, and that's coarse. The directions are in Japanese so I can't really tell if there's supposed to be a way to change the setting...

Anyway, I used Barismo's Ethiopian Koke, a Hario hand mill, and a Hario ceramic pour-over cup.

Photos, in case you're curious:
The Grinder

The ceramic Cone-Thing

I'm using a measuring cup to pour my water instead of the fancy Pour Over Kettle. I don't see the point in buying something just to pour an easy-to-control stream of water if I get good results using a measuring cup... You can't put the kettle on the stove, either.
 
 
Current Mood: happyhappy
 
 
 
June17
23 August 2009 @ 09:39 am
I also bought some peg dope, which is some chalky lipstick-looking stuff that got my pegs to turn so I could tune my violin. In the process, I noticed my bridge was warping, and mostly fixed it. Going to get the bow rehaired sometime in the next couple of weeks. I've been working on scales and hopefully I'll buy a guitar in the next month. I've also been freaking out about my job in Dorchester, because apparently the murder rate is....well, it's not low. And mace is illegal in MA without a firearms license. But maybe I'll just get a firearms license.
 
 
 
June17
Click to see a map with squigglesCollapse )

So those different colored lines are the different trails I walked. Actually the light blue squiggle is wrong, because I actually walked down main street twice, not Vassar. I walked down Vassar once. At the intersection of Main and Mass Ave is Toscanini's, an ice cream shop where I finally, exhausted, succumbed to ice cream after ending up there twice. There is also a Tootsie Roll factory that makes lovely smells halfway down Main street. I passed that twice, too.

To recap, I originally wanted to go to the Cambridgeside Galleria, but forgot the name of the street (3rd).
 
 
 
June17
05 July 2009 @ 10:43 pm
Feeling kind of depressed and out of it...I kind of feel like everyone except me is on some form of Prozac. It's making me feel like I need it...

Anyway. I think I'm over Simon's. I like working there, but I just can't deal with customers for much longer. I haven't snapped like pretty much everyone else I work with, but I'm getting there.

Last week a crackhead locked himself in the bathroom for half an hour. We got him out, but 15 minutes later he'd snuck in and locked himself in the out of order bathroom, which is full of old equipment, freezers, and boxes. Parad finally got him out after another half an hour and threatening to call the police. He left, but sat outside drinking listerine for another 10 minutes til Parad finally got him to leave. It was the same guy who collapsed in the store last month. Various other people have locked themselves in the bathroom to the point that it's kept us from closing the store over the last few days.

wooooo.

I went to Jacques cabaret last night to see Justin's friend Shawn's band play. Apparently I'm the only one who didn't know that drag queens walk around picking up johns after their shows. But the show was good, the band was good, and I had a pretty good time. Seeing the fireworks on the Charles as our train passed was amazing. I'm feeling stressed out because Justin and Hana's new apartment is beyond amazing for what they're paying and I'm worried I won't be able to find a new place in my price range. I'd really like to move out of my tiny tiny room.

It's also kind of cool around here and I'd like some summer weather. That means weather above 65 degrees. Ideally it'd be in the nineties but I'd settle for 79. 80 even? I just want to go swimming and to wear shorts.
 
 
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: iron chef
 
 
 
June17
15 June 2009 @ 02:41 pm
Mostly friends-only these days. But I still post a ton, and like having blogs to read.
 
 
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
 
 
 
June17
20 April 2009 @ 09:00 pm
Places I went:
Soy Luck Club
Cafe Grumpy
Gimme (wasn't open)
Snice
Empanada Mama
Uniqlo
Dojo
Some health food store
Another health food store
Grocer John's (trader joe's knockoff?)
16 Handles
Amy's Bread
Some pretzel vendor in Central Park

....I think that's it for the food. I pretty much did eat (and drink, mostly coffee) my way through the weekend, which was exactly how I wanted to spend my days off. Other than eating, I drank a lot of espresso drinks and bought some Japanese clothes. I even talked with Layla about my career issues and saw Torchwood and The Young Ones for the first time. Successful weekend. =)
 
 
Current Mood: happyhappy
 
 
 
June17
13 April 2009 @ 10:57 pm
so if i can't be super smart, then at least i can try to be super-motivated. writing contest and job apps........stat. mostly.
 
 
 
June17
31 January 2009 @ 02:27 pm
I'm feeling good and depressed at the same time. I didn't know that was possible...
 
 
 
June17
24 January 2009 @ 06:20 pm
stressed. out. meh.
 
 
 
June17
19 January 2009 @ 07:46 pm
It's cold outside, and I need to bring out the trash, which has piled up in the kitchen. Not a very attractive idea at the moment. I'm wearing two pairs of wool stockings, leg warmers, a sweater dress, a slip under the sweater dress, and two wool/synth sweaters. You'd think I'd be warm, but I'm not, and my bones are noticeably creaky. I also am wearing a blanket on top of all these clothes. Sigh.
 
 
 
June17
16 January 2009 @ 12:40 am
you know, I have to stop convincing myself that people aren't interested in what I have to say.
 
 
 
June17
12 January 2009 @ 11:05 pm
I have tomorrow off. I don't feel like I accomplished much today. Hmm. Studying? Working out? no tv, definitely.
 
 
 
June17
10 January 2009 @ 05:22 pm
I had a pretty awesome time today visiting the George Howell roaster... The facility itself is so much smaller than I imagined, and George Howell himself is younger and less craggy than I'd imagined. I got to taste about 10 or more types of coffee, and I'm still spinning from the morning caffeine rush. It definitely didn't help my stomach that I didn't sleep much yesterday. I got paid for going today, though, which was awesome. It's really cold outside (didn't even hit 30) and my hands are feeling stiff from the weather, so I'm having a hard time typing. I just wanted to make sure I wrote something about this so my journal didn't seem so morose.

...more later.
 
 
Current Mood: coldcold
 
 
 
June17
25 December 2008 @ 08:22 pm
Probably. No, definitely. I can't start the new year with a limp attitude. Anyway.

1. Keep up the Spanish
2. Keep up the violin
3. Brush up the French
4. Go to Montreal
5. Go to museums in NYC
6. SORT OUT JOBS for next year
7. Tutor Spanish
8. ....have some fun.
 
 
 
June17
25 December 2008 @ 07:30 pm
So, I should have applied for that internship with Living on Earth instead of Boston Review because WNYC is currently hiring and it probably would have helped in getting a job. I decided not to apply because I was discouraged with the whole radio thing. Something to think about, I guess.

It still wouldn't hurt to send in a resume, though. I'm wondering if it's possible to apply for jobs at magazines now if I don't plan to take them up til later this year, maybe after the summer. The problem is, if I'm concurrently applying for teaching positions abroad, I might not hear back from a magazine until after the deadline for accepting a teaching position. Meh. I just want a direction. I know things would be easier in Texas, but I'm trying to see this as an adventure.
 
 
 
June17
15 December 2008 @ 12:44 pm
I just finished South of the Border, West of the Sun, and I'm starting Stardust. I was feeling quite happy with the world until I checked my email. Oh, reality. I've been emailing back and forth with the head of this internship program about a start date...he left it open to me to decide when to start and finish and now he's chiding me for my choices. wtf. I'm leaving answering this email til later tonight.